Conflicted

Alyssa called me today. Told me some stuff about what was goin on in her life right now. I left the conversation feeling conflicted. Is it wrong when something goes badly in her life, that really works out well for me, that I'm happy? shes having problems with the boy and thinking about moving to nanaimo. I worry about how thats going to change our friendship. Will she still want to hang out with me if she's in my town? Will she fall in love with one of my friends? Will I be able to deal with that? It would be nice to see her at school sometimes :D I feel bad about it, but I am dancing around with a grin, I am thrilled. she seems like shes not upset either which makes it easier to be happy.

She might move in with the boys. they won't coddle her, which will be good for her :P I wanna be able to spoil her without her getting all messed up :D

I am thrilled.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

I hope everyone had a better Christmas eve than I did, and A FANTSTIC CHRISTMAS DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

love you all....

Lets convolve amotorily.

She Contemplates me like an Aquatic vertebrate when I am Anemic
I have been secreted within the recesses of your cordiform compartment for half of a fortnight.
I have been inveigled into your enticing bitumens quagmire
I yearn to gormandize your melignancy when you become atramentous

ABide!
Remain!
I am disinclined to remain complacent!
Eternally mortgaged to your inestimable exhortation.
Abide!
Remain!
I am disinclined to remain complacent!
Eternally mortaged to your inestimable exhortation.
Abide!
Remain!
I am disinclined to remain complacent!
Eternally mortgaged to your inestimable exhortation.
...your exhortation

incoherence

I can hear the melting snow dripping off the roof
what is carefree anyways?
Even children have concerns. theyre not as "big" as grown-up concerns, but maybe they are?
what about inbetween?

I worry about growing up
I worry about being too young
I want to know whats going to happen at school
In my career
In my family
With my friends
With her
WIth you.
But I'm not with you, I'm not with her, I'm not with my family or my friends or the people at school
It seems like these days, when i'm by myself, the only way thats sane
It gets lonely being sane

They drive me crazy all these people all these thoughts. But its nice.


*I miss your purple hair, I miss the way you taste*

I wanna go back to beacon hill park and sit, eat ice cream, watch the sunset or the fire twirlers. I want you to break up with him, and give us a shot. I want her to realize shes not alone, any day any time, I would walk barefoot in the snow just to give her a hug. I want him to take a step back and look at his life. Is that the way you want it to be?

I want school to be over so she can chill out and take some time. I want you to come over and watch movies with me all day



I'm sorry this makes no sense, I just like to write it all out when I'm feeling angsty. she and you and him are all different people. confusing yeah, but it worked in my head

When I see new fallen snow
I want to walk in it

When there's a blank page in front of me
I want to write on it

When I see a calm body of water
I want to stir it up, make ripples

When you're standing right in front of me, too close for comfort
I want to shake things up, make ripples, surprise you

Like a body of water, your body ripples.
I want you to take my hand again.

Begli occhi

I'm studying for my music history test today. theareticlly I should be in musicianship clas right now, but its too late for that class, if I can do really well in music history it might help a bit with my abysmal grades in musicianship and music theory! I don't have my concert review done though, and for english we have a HUGE research paper due on monday, that I wont even get to start untill sunday. Its so stupid, I will never get it all done in time, even if I stay up all night, which I probably will

Last night was the first time I had seen Seuss since Tech rehearsal. I was BLOWN AWAY. I'll admit, there were moments that had me backstage wanting to scream, but overall... wow, just wow. Kate is so Amazing as gertrude, she does a better job of it then I ever did, and josh, embodies the spirit of Horton. Sky comes alive onstage. I don't know how he made it trhough all these rehearsals without that character and then managed to put it on at the last minute. Leahs voice sounded great. I was just so proud. I think I feel like a mom :D

I wonder if its just a show thing? the little hop-skip-jump there when she's around. Probably. Still its fun while it lasts, even if it just makes me say silly things that make me even less attractive then I already am :P

I dyed my hair last night. Funny, when I wanted black, it went purple, when I wanted puple, I got black. My hair is very very dark :P like my heart and soul you know! lol

So ALyssa and I talked around ten last night and we were both excited to have her come up on saturday, then she called at midnight, and I know she was going to bed when I talked to her last so I was like "whats wrong, is everything ok, is aaron ok?" all panicy like I tend to do. and she said yeah, but that she wouldnt be able to come up on saturday because she had forgotten and switched shifts with a girl for her exam. I mean I understand and I'm not mad or anything, just really really dissipointed. I would love to be able to just swoop down there and bring her back with me *sad face*

a ground bass is a repeating melodic line in the bass section.

see, i learn stuff at school!!!

I'm going away to study now. Its kinda nice knowing nobody reads my blog its like a real diary again. :P

You're so Blind - you can't save me this time.

Hope comes from inside... I feel so low tonight

If only you could see it. The stranger next to me - you promise you promise that you're done, but I can't tell you from the drugs.

theres so much

its overwhelming. I can't even bite into the work, because its like the work is a giant peach, and I'm a shark, whose nose gets in the way, and i cant take a bite of something so big its nearly flat.

Seuss tech rehearsal this friday. I work, I can't be there.

I worry about them. Not that they can't do it, because I know they can.... I just do. I feel resposible. I feel like a bad role model.

I have SO much work to do.

I know I said that alrwady, but I just wanted to reiterate, because this is a stream of conciousness-type thing.

I miss Alyssa. She was my rock for awhile there, and now I feel like I'm swimming with no land in sight. Isn't it aweful when you lose your rock? theres a couple of pieces of driftwood around to cling to, but they desintigrate, and theres heavy waters ahead and some whirlpools and sea monsters to swim clear of. but my rock needed her own rock, and I guess I couldn't be that. It is just so frustraing when the best that you can be isn't good enough, you know? Its not like I usually sabotage things with people on purpose, but I sure don't think I've always tried my hardest. But.... well even doing the best I can possibly do, its still not right for her

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I won't heal given time. I won't try to change your mind. I won't feel better in the cold light of day, and I won't stop you if you wanted to stay.

Why did that wreck it? It wasn't perfect but it was working. all I wanted to know was that it was going somewhere, anywhere, I just wanted direction, some sense of purpose!!! Even if it was like, it has to stay like this for three months and then we can have a date, and see how things go from there. but no, what usually brings people closer made you freak out and send you crazy to noweheres-ville. I can still smell you on my skin. that combination of smoke, man, whatever you have in your hair and that cologne, or aftershave. See I don't know what it is, but its there. I am not one of those girls who will let you push me around. If I don't like what is going on I'll change it to the lowest common denomenator, if youre at 5 and I'm at 6 we'll stay at 5 cuz thats where you are. but if you're at 5 and I'm not ok with 5, I want either 6 or 2, I'll make you take it to 2.
(This doesn't make sense but thats ok with me)
I'm just tired of Missed connections. wrong people in the wrong place at the wrong time. I'm there for this, but hes not I wasn't there before when I should have been, and for her? well I was at the right time, and the right places, but I was the wrong me.

I never take any pictures cuz I know I'll always be right back. I'm coming Home.

I want a perfect body i want a perfect soul. I want you to notice, when I'm not around. I wish i was special - you're so fucking special.