top ten things I'm pissed off about

1. Brianna's mom
2. Myself, and how I jump to the most negative conclusions possible
3. people who don't call me back
4. how the less I eat, the more weight I gain
5. People who can't value what they have because they're always searching for something "more". And when they find it, they realize that it wasn't what they needed in the first place
6. That he wasn't there to see the frog I found. And how happy I was when it made me think of him
7. being the back up friend. for when people have nothing better to do. Don't try to deny it, when's the last time you called to make plans with me? or invited me to a party (exemptions - Brianna, Dan and Laura)
8. shane and laura. God, I wish I could feel even a smidge of what they feel for each other.... they have to stop taking that for granted.
9. Talking about people behind their backs.
10. assuming you know what another person is feeling and discounting that, because it wouldn't matter to you.

C'mon, C'mon, put your hands into the fire.

taking chances is underrated. people need to realize they will NEVER get what they want if they dont go for it... they will NEVER get turned down though, so maybe theyre just smarter than I am.

I don’t care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I’m not around
You’re so fuckin’ special
I wish I was special

He says, "I can't feel a thing, my dreams are so tight
Why wouldn't I stand in line tonight?"

All those years
They were here first
Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasure moments hung before
The takeover
The sweeping insensitivity of this still life
Hide and Seek

And if we're lost

Strange and beautiful
are the stars tonight
that dance around your head
~
and if we're lost
then we are lost together
yea if we're lost
then we are lost together
I stand before this faceless crowd
and I wonder why I bother
~
it's all a dream to me now
a dream to me now
And if we're lost
then we are lost together
yea if we're lost
then we are lost together
~
In this silence of this whispered night
I listen only to your breath
and that second of a shooting star
somehow it all makes sense
And I want all the world to know
that your love's all I need
all that I need
and if we're lost
then we are lost together
yea if we're lost
then we are lost together


AFter that musical interlude, Im sure its very important for us all to update about our weekends etc. Well on friday the choir took a trip over to vancouver to sing for "MusicFest Canada". We got to sing in this AMAZING church, but it was in a residential area so there was no food for mel except brianna's excellent swiss cheese crackers, adn ty's generous donation of a juice box. Anyways the adjudicator was EXCELLENT to the extremem, and I was very happy about the whole exprience. everyone got along very well, and even though alleah had a face injury (on wednesday she broke her nose) (speaking of wednesday, I won my category in Folk song festival :) ) ANyways, we sang songs. I'm glad that collective is doing things again, even if it means less laura-brianna-mel time. cuz nobody's been happy since shes been gone. Anyways, that was friday night, saturday was cool, Brianna and I went for italian sodas at the perfect cup. (NO MORE STARBUX!) and than I wento over to jenns and hung out with her for a bit, untill she had to go to babysitting. anyways I ended up spending the night at Tashas with her and shane. We didnt get to sleep untill 6:30... it was crazay. But at least i finished my book!!!!

In the morning we went for coffee and than I went with my Vicki to QUalicum and we saw a show called Lion in Winter. It was quite excellent. ARlene blundell and Tristan Brimble were in it. they were pretty good. it was about Eleanor of Aquitane.
On the drive home, I got a call from my mom that said my brother had been in a biking accient and was in the hospital, but he was in Kelowna, so I couldn't do anything about it. So i went to nolans and got very drunk and very depressed. I ended up wandering around outside for a very long time, and getting so cold... It was an alright time anyways. Tahsa and Jenn ended up drivinng me back to Jenns and I crashed on the couch there.

In the morning, I went to Practice "And so it goes" with the girls for the june 1st concert (COME SEEE 7:00 at wllington), and than just hung out at home till the evenning when I went to Jenn's again. (seem to be there a lot much... hmm)

ANyways, we have to get to school, so maybe more updates later?

We are lost together...

I AM: blue da ba dee dab a die
I WILL ALWAYS: remember the good times
I MISS: you
I SMELL: like mangoes and lavender
I CRAVE: company
I WORRY: about Shane
I REGRET: nothing.... except that
I LOVE: a really really perfect day... and Pineapple, who was I kidding?
I SLIGHTLY: like techno
I DANCE: whenever I can
I SING: all the time
I CANT STAND: people who try to be something their not
I LOST: my voice yesterday
I LIKE: chocolate, and most of my friends most of the time:P
I LISTEN: to EVERY type of music
I CAN BE FOUND: in the drama room
I NEED: attention....
I KNOW THAT: So much is going to change next year
I HOPE: to stay in touch with everyone
I WANT: to be happy
I AM ALWAYS: critical
I CRY: if I get emotional.... or when I listen to really good songs
I FELL: on stage once. It was funny, and embarassing...
I WILL: try harder
I WONT: give up
I THINK: about morbid things sometimes
I SHOULD: tell you I love you
I COULD: call you
I WOULD: eat a whole watermelon
I DIDNT: call you... and I won't either
I LOOK: like crap
I HEAR: techno "oh fortuna" - Mozart
I HURT: all the time
I HATE: myself... and everyone else :P
I FEAR: being alone
I DONT: know all the answers
I FEEL: lonely
I CARE: about you guys
I AM ALWAYS TRYING TO: lose weight
I HIDE: my brother's things
I WRITE: poetry... and songs
I PLAY: whenever I realize that I've become wrapped up in my own little world
I LEARN: from Tim
I WILL BE: sucessful.... I'll win a Grammy or something:P
I SAY: things I don't mean to hurt you
I DONT THINK: about World Issues as much as I should
I LOVE TO: feel butterflies
I ALWAYS: dig myself in too deep
I HAVE: done things that hurt other people
I BELIEVE: that things will always work out in the end if you follow your heart
I NEVER: want to cry over you

You could be my unintended

its weird not having a male figure to idolise. I almost always have someone that I'm at least interested in, you know? now, the only people (well, person really) that I have feelings for... well I can't have feelings for them. Its come to a point in my life (thats grade 12 for you) that All the guys around, I'm either not interested in, or I've already slept with :P when you run through all the good guys, than you need to find a new group!!! (or stop being so skanky, but thats not gunna happen)

backbeat, the word on the street is that the fire in your heart is out.... I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do, about you now.... maybe, you're gunna be the one that saves me.

It shouldn't have to be this hard!!! you'd think that if he was the right person, he'd realize it too?

On a lighter note, theres only 27 days of school left before we graduate, plus two exams and than its all over!!! isn't that crazy?!? I can't imagine what it'll be like next september, not going back to dover, I've been going here for five years (plus two summers, this summer, if you count arts alive)

I don't know what I should do with my life. Next year, if I dont get into CCPA, I'm going to stick around in Nanaimo, and make some money, so that I can afford to go to victoria or vancouver

Anywhooooooooo, thats the blogger update for you folks.

Prom and my Emo-ness

I'm so emo you guys! Man oh man, Things have been.... rather difficult lately, and I'm not sure why. I've been feelin kinda lost and all my relationships with people (friends, family, futures, exes) are going to shit in a handbasket...

On the plus side Prom was a blast. I Loved my dress, and I'm sure it was more than a little extravagant, but I DONT care. Go to Laura M's Prom Page (see the links on the side) if you want to see pictures. so heres how the day went:

I couldnt sleep at ALL
Got up at 7;30 for a shower and to start my makeup
8:30 was dressed and makeup-ed
9:00 made breakfast, but didnt eat a single bite
9:30-11 Hair done
11 - went to get Geoff from Brianna's (he looked AWESOME)
11:45 - got to nicoles for her first wine and cheese!!!!! We took tons of pictures, and had an overall great time, with pineapple and sparkling beverages for all
3:00 - Went to Laura's wine and cheese, took more pictures, and enojyed ourselves thoroughly
5:00 - left for the PROM!!!!
took tons more pictures there untill the parents left
6;30 - had a average dinner, considering that 475 kids came, there was a TON of food and most of it was pretty good, but we'd been snacking at wine and cheeses all day
7;30 - Started to DANCE!!!!!!!! The dance was pretty good, I danced with most of the people I really wanted to, and there were lots of fun group dances. I LOVED some songs and HATED others, but there was a pretty good mix considering.
12:00 - went to change at brianna's
1:00 - got to Barbara's - Kinda laid back and easy-going. Not as exciting, most people had other places to go, and there wasnt a lot going on there
2:30 - got to Laura M's house for her after-party. Not anywhere near the number of people as expected but still SO much fun. I fell asleep at least three times on the way there, so I was tired on arrival, but I got to sleep at around 5:15.
However, at 6:00 we all woke up and went to Will's house for after after prom Breakfast!!!! yay! we had coffee, and croissant, and there was fruit and eggs and sausage and a bunch of other stuff. His mom and (aunt?) must have gone all out!
Geoff drove me home at around 7:30 and I fell asleep untill around 1, so I guess I got my sleep than.

The next day (sunday) we all decided to go camping, so 15 people (Me, Shane, Nolan, Dan, Jenn2, Jenn4, Nicole, Kate, Tasha, Cassie, Will, Tidey, Gareth, Brad, Ashley and others????) and all our stuff got into 2 cars and a truck and left for some "camping". We stayed at Jenn (brown)'s Property on Gabriola, and it was excellent. Dan, Jenn and Nolan saved me from a scary flirty guy with too much booze. (nolan was awesome) Unfortunatly, when we woke up, I was mushed between Shane and Tasha, and we all were wet and very cold. It warmed up fast though, and Will had brought all the leftover prom breakfast food so that was cool. I had a realy great time camping, and have put that all in as part of the prom weekend.

Its really tough to have someone that you used to date be dating someone else. Even if you dont care about them anymore (and I do) and dont want to date them (which I don't) its difficult to see them with someone who isnt you. Because they were with you once, it just follows that they'll want to be with you after, even if you conciously know that thats ridiculous. I guess just because I never get over past loves, that doesn't mean that nobody will

I'd like to leave you with some lyrics that I found from my new favourite band: Metric - Torture me

Get the rope
Tie me to the bedpost'
Cause I can't find
Within myself
The happy host
If I find
My piece of mind
Torture me
If I seem
Too serene
Torture me