panto, prom and pineapples galore

So bloggers, I had a fantastic Christmas, I spent the eve with my mother and her new boyfriend, and than went to my dads in the morinng to open presents!!! I was spoiled so badly that its embarrassing! I am quite sad that I wasn't feeling well on the eve so I could have made a better impression on Roger (mom's boyfriend)... oh well, He showed my brother and I the pictures from when he and his daughter travelled around Kenya and Egypt for 6 weeks, and its amazing, like he has close up pictures of lions that his daughter took, when standing 15 feet away!!!! I was entirely amazed with the dinner my mother prepared by herself mostly, cuz I was sick all night, and she managed just fine! Since than I have been entirely engrossed in Pantomime. I am enjoying it quite alot, except that people are not very good at being quiet when backstage or in the lobby.... oh well, neither am I. Nicole is having boy.... well debates, in her mind. Lets say, indecisions. Barbara and Alleah both have their very promenant boys, (and I LOVE LOVE LOVE llowyn, hes tres fabu) Tim and Laura are connected at the hip and Gareth and Martha are apparently back together. I'm having serious physical love withdrawal! Its not even that I miss the cuddling, I'm just seriously.... I want my neck bitten, I want someone to pull me close to them and play rough. AHAHAHA I'm so dirty sometimes:P "I want to be kissed, often, by someone who knows how" - Gone with the wind
I went prom dress shopping with geoff! He was VERY accomadating, considering that he had to sit and watch me try on dress after dress after dress, to see which one I thought he liked... I was extremely impressed at his patience, becuse it must have been tough. However, I have come to the conclusion that will be good, and The dress is very pretty indeed. For those who aren't in the know already, you'll just have to wait untill April the 30th, or untill I get too impatient, to see what it looks like!!! of course, I have no idea how I'm going to afford it, But I'll find a way!!!!! Plus, I have to get tickets, and accessories, and I think that I want to get my hair done, Kim's been wanting to do it for years, ever since we first discussed prom in Grade 7! Makeup isn't even a question, theres no way I'm giving anybody else control of my face!!!!! You know, theres only two times in a girl's life where she gets the option to wear a poufy dress: her prom and her wedding, and that seems unfair. I want to wear one all the time! like I was a queen!!!!!! Not only that, but I would have liked to wear white at some other time than weddings, because its a nice colour.... or absence thereof! I am very pleased with the way things are shaping up for prom. I have a nice dress, and a great friend to escort me, and hopefully, financial support from my parents *crosses fingers*
Anyways I hope everyone has a fantasmic New Years Eve, but more importantly, I hope everyone has a great 2005. It will last longer, than one evening!!!!! all the best!

PS: I gave everyone their Christmas presents, (as is customary) and everyone SEEMS to like theirs. Brianna wears her hat (which is a huge deal, If you've seen her hat!!!), and Geoff seems to like his scarf (he hasn't noticed the mistake yet guys.... at least as far as I know) Shane wears his on occasion also, and I saw Laura's scarf in her bag today :D Plus alleah's ring was a hit, she wears it a lot, and my family loved their presents especially my dad. my mom got a trip to San Fransisco from Roger, so she won't be back for several days : < ( . I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for appreciating their gifts. I know its tough in our materially based society to value homemade presents, but I tell you, at least 20 hours of love went into the smallest of those presents, mostly closer to 30, depending on their difficulty. And whe I say love, I dont mean time, I mean I tried my best to think good thoughts about the person I was making for, and have in entirely drenched in GOOOOOOOD FEELINGS!!!!!!!! hahahahaha (i'm so evil)

Hey Guys,
I've had a very fun couple of days, since I last posted I went to Brads (hmmm :D) party. That was kinda dull, but cool, because I got to meet a bunch of people that I had never seeen before! We watched a movie that devin made, and it was quite excellent. I was watching it, when I felt something weird, and I turned around and Brad was looking at me. Idunno, maybe I'm a crazy, who knows. I also read Brad's SAT book and listened to everyone play music. aha! that reminds me, what song goes; "Hanging round, downtown by myself/and ive got ____/ and there she was, like _____" yeah I don't know what song it is, but its stuck in my head, just that part, and I know they used it in "i have a name" so if anyone can give me a little help, that would be greatly appreciated. After Brad's party, Geoff and I went to Tasha's party where we basicly sat around and watched them shoot deer on the video game! after they were bored with that though, we watched the first part of American History X, and OMG, that movie brings up some HARSH issues. I have to see the rest of it though, to make any final judgements, after which point Geoff, (my favourite) drove me alllllll the way home to LANTZVILLE!

Today was slightly less social. I wrapped presents and Knitted all morning, and than had to run for the bus, because I had a touch present to wrap that took me too long!!! At two o'clock I went to the mall with Glenn, Brianna and Gareth which was fun. I never really get to hang out with Gareth anymore, it seems awkward, even thuogh it shouldn't be. But yeah, we went to the bank, and shopping, and for food, and to Starbucks! saw a bunch of people we knew everywhere and that was cool. I like knowing people. Gareth left at around 5, and Glenn and Brianna l;eft at 5:30 so I had an hour to wait before I was to meet geoff, so I went to Chapters and got up to pg. 100 in a book by Iris Johansen called "Blind Alley". Its really unfortunate, because that and "Firestorm" are two books of hers that I haven't read, and they are only available in hardcover!!!!! so I have to read them in Chapters, because I'm poor. At 6:30 I met Geoff and we went into Phantom of the Opera!!!!!! ACK it was the best best best ever!!! I enjoyed myself soooooo much! unfortunatly, Geoff saw someone that was rather inconvenient for him, and was a little tense the whole evening. Either way, Phantom is stupendous, I want to see it again and again!!!!! When it started I got goosebumps! I want to be a good singer so badly, I want to make my voice do what their voices do!!!!

Anyways, after the show, Geoff drove me home, doing his best to be normal, but he was still really tense..... I couldn't think of a single thing to say that would make him feel better. I'm so inadaquate. I want to be his friend. I mean he really need someone strong in his court, and to be honest I believe in him, he may have done some stupid stuff, but who hasn't? (Gad, If I could count the number of times I looked back, and was like "what the hell did I just do?") He deserves better. And I intend to be there. Better than I was tonight though... useless....

I watched the Santa Clause, and Center Stage tonight, whilst knitting furiously. and bits and pieces of Misery..... ick. Anyways, tomorrow (or should I say today), I'm going to my mom's boyfriend's for dinner, so I'd better go off to bed. Love and joy come to you!

What child is this?

She walked, and continued walking.

Katie had no destination. She had no thoughts. She was not going toward anything, and she was not going away from anything.

She was accustomed to sorrow and aquainted with grief, so a torn and unwanted bell ws not a shock. It was just more than she could bear.

The wind sapped her strength, and she stumbled. The snow and the wind shrugged.

Gathering gloom, thought Katie.

Gloom wasn't what she had wanted Christmas Eve to be. She wanted Christmas Eve to be that other song, the Midnight Clear song.

She walked in a straight line, and because it was a city, it had straight lines, the careful grid of sidewalks, and they all led away from the church. She walked past dozens of houses, and most of them screamed Christmas: a wreath on the door, a candle in the window.

She had on her old sweater and her favourite corduroy pants. She loved corduroy, it was warmer and kinder than any other cloth.

She fell on a patch of ice hidden by the new snow. She had no mittens, either; they were in the pockets of her torn jacket, still on the red velvet pew next to Matt.

She did not know where she was, and it did not matter.

She did not know why she was walking, and that did not matter either.

People had shoveled their walks and driveways, and than the snowplow had come by, blockading them after all. Katie did not want to walk in the street even though there was no traffic. She did not want to be visible. She walked on what had been grass, people's front lawns; but somehting about the snow made it public property; it was all one, just snow.

One yard had a snowman and the snowman was dressed in a better jacket than Katie had ever had.

A sob wrenched her.

A block farther, and she came to the prettiest, smallest Christmas tree she had ever seen; it was in a little tub, and snow had piled to the top of the tub like a little mountainside. The tiny tree had tiny lights, like diamond necklaces. It was no taller than Katies, and it lay beneath its snow cover, the diamonds flickering, like stars in a distant galaxy.

I could lay down, too, thought Katie. I could have a snow blanket.

She found that she did not mind.

And she knew that nobody else would mind.

Next door was a house where nobody had shoveled. Nobody had walked in and out. Nobody had hung a wreath or delivered a Christmas card.

Nobody was home.

Katie could not go to a house with lights on. But she could go to a hoise of darkness.

She crossed unbroken snow to the front porch and sat on the bottom step, and in the silence of the night, the snow snowed down on her.

Katie had wanted Christmas to be about big things, and it wasn't.

Her heart was broken, as if she were only an ornament, made of glass, and somebody had dropped her.

Everybody had dropped her.

For a while it was terribly cold. It hurt everywhere, not just her bare fingers but her sides and her throat and her toes.

Then it wasn't so cold, and she let the snow be a blanket; she curled up under it, and the snow snuggled round her shoulders, and Katie found rest.


An excerpt from "What Child is This?" by Caroline B. Cooney.


Uh, yeah Idunno, I was readin that book, and that chapter had me weeping. literally. of course it helps if you were already as involved with Katie emotionally as I was...... she is eight. *gulp* as you may notice, it is around 3:30, I can't seem to sleep untill books are finished, and I have finished that book. it was excellent :D if you want to know what happens, ask, but I don't want to spoil it because you should read it. Of course, I read it every Christmas, and cry every year.

I don't have a lot to update, today I knitted furiously, in hopes that my friends' Christmas pressies will be done in time. *crosses fingers* and that is the plan for tomorrow, except it also includes Brad and Tasha's parties.

Peace on earth and mercy mild

Many days of laughter and fun

It is interesting, because I know that nobody but myself, and perhaps Alleah reads my blog, and still I feel guilty when I have not posted for long times. Even so, things have been resolved with Tim, which makes me feel good, I don't like having things uncomfortable with people I am around a lot. Even now just thinking about Rachel makes me vair vair upset. While I am totally comfortable with Tim and Laura and luv them both as friends, I still get uncomfortable when I am talking to Laura and she is surrounded by Timosity. See its not that I'm weird about Tim specifically, but if you were speaking to someone and they were surrounded by snakes or they were "bugged" (like opther people can hear what I'm saying) or were wearing a suit made of someone else, It would throw you off a little right? Its just odd. But I love seeing them happy. Speaking of happy, I enjoyed Briannas party vair vair much, there was almost no drama and conflict was at a minimum. Furthermore, I spent the entire night lying with the guy I am not in the least interested in! Which is very comfortable, you don't have to worry about looking good or being a strinking conversationalist, you can just relax and BE.... Monkey is the greatest! But other than him I really enjoyed having coffee this weekend with Brad. He's quite fantastic, and other than his very quiet voice, which my deaf ears cannot hear, I would really like to learn more about him.
Also in recent news, I have has a very fun weekend with Brianna and Laura and everyone else. (thanks, its been a rough couple motnhs, and I'm amazed that some of you still associate with me)
Enjoy your days my darlings, and please comment. If nobody comments, why post?

My leaving???? I think not. Idiot.

Its unfortunate, really. Friends are supposed to be people you can count on, not people who can be counted on to let you down. I felt let down by Tim (and Laura?) this week. You see, I may be overreacting, and I probably am..... Oh well thats just too damn bad, because this is where I get to express my feelings right? This is what happened: on Wednesday, I have my spare block last, and so does Tim. He had been asking Megan and everyone else to come with him to his house so that he could get his wallet, so he could take Laura out that night. And Megan didn't want to go, so he asked me to go with him, and I said no, because I actually had things to work on that block. But he looked so downhearted as he went out by himself, and I thought to myself, "This guy is trying to do a good thing for one of my friends, and I don't feel right about making him go it ALONE, I'll give him some support". And thats cool, so we walked down Hammond Bay road, for like 10-15 minutes (he talked CONSTANTLY about Laura, which is fine, kinda sad, but fine) and we got to a bus stop and he said "Okay wait here for Laura's bus while I go to get my wallet"..... I was a little confused but was like "sure" and I did just that. Laura and I chatted for a few moments and it was lovely, I really enjoy talking with that girl. Than Tim came back, and enstead of going to the school with me (we had a MuTh meeting after school) they decided to go back to Tims house and have sex. Laura made a few half-hearted attempts at inviting me to go with them to hang out, which were promptly squashed by Tim. To hurt insult after injury, he asked me to take Laura's choral book back to the school for them so they didn't have any reason to go back I cried most of the way back, and that negative feeling was increased for the rest of the night. So when Tim came up to me today while I was busy and said, "hey, I'm sorry about yesterday" I just didn't find it very sincere. Added to that, he posted on Lauras blog (and I quote) "I also miss Mel, but not enough to regret her leaving." HER LEAVING??????? fuckers.

On a related subject, while I would have gone about it differently, I agree with Brianna when she doesn't invite Alleah and Sean to her LIMITED NUMBERS party. If she could have as many people as she wanted, she said already that she would invite them, but she has a small house, and though I can see why Alleah is mad/hurt, they demonstrated a lack of respect for Brianna at her birthday party. I would feel the same way, only prolly less vindictive than Brianna.

Overall, things are going well, but I don't feel happy about them doing so. Also, I'm looking for another Alto for the Dover thing. Interested? let me know..... sorry for the angsty post, but I think the worst feeling is to be let down. And I feel let down. Unintentional perhaps. Hurtful nonetheless.

Poems

Hey so I had a whole bunch of poems in a book and I lost the book. If anyone knows where it is, let me, know, I miss it!!!
Heres a couple of the ones I don't mind, let me know what you think but don't forget to read my uber-long post just below this...... (ahh insomnia)

Soul Scars

Blood dripping
from the smiling
happy knife wounds
etched deep into
both skin and soul

Soul slipping
chasm precipitates the emptiness
beads of sweat
drops from life's arteries
grinning scalpel carves

Carving Blank Comatose Stares
popular white bleached smiles
draw ever closer
sketches drawn ever deeper
into skin
into heart
through vein
through blood
to soul

yeah I dunno what to tell you about that one, I thought It was good when I wrote it, not rereading it I don't like it at all.......

(Untitled)
obsession
blind convulsions
sweet crimson curtains
taught tender tendon ribbon
contortion
human potion
lying in wait
breathing deep, an ocean
is it love
or lust
mood?
or simple
unobliterated
unadulterated
obsession

yeah I dont mind it, but it seems a little angsty and contrived. obviously I was feeling this way at the time, but I can't see how thats the way I would put it into words.... oh well

First Date I
flames licking my finger
as I run it through the candle
liquid wax hesitates, lingers
before it smashes to the table
just like my heart

First date II
I told myself
don't be stupid
you made a deal
you're not allowed.
remember the past
Ancient mistakes
look towards the future
endless possibilities
forward and behind...
both heartless circumstances
my jeans come unsnapped
I unzip his
My heart records another mistake

First date III (skip this one if you don't enjoy explicit-ness or are Megan Russel)
I shivered on the couch
sitting, quietly, all alone
You were there, on the other end
cold to the bone
Overworked
Overstressed
Underpaid
Under laid

I shivered lying next to you
still cold, still on your couch
body heat, favours repaid, togetherness
I taunted you... I'm sorry
Your long, cold fingers touched my thigh

I shivered with anticipation
Your reputation precedes
I'd heard of these fingers before
now long and thin inside me
-we froze- as the door swung open

I shivered to prove my sincerity
it really was cold
deep down I shivered
but it was quite warm
"Up" you said and so
we went up the stairs
Not knowing what to think

I shiver now in thinking
knowing I'm not alone
I'm not the only one you've touched this way. Before
me theres many.
You are the chase
the catch (oh what a catch!)
the thrill

I shivered as I felt you
rise against
-my better judgement-
prickles rubbed my back as
my flesh became unnumb
you drew me close and asked bluntly
"Wanna fuck?"
*how romantic*
"sure"

I shivered as I said it
was this really me?
soon you filled and emptied me at once
I shivered in exstacy

I shiver here alone now
down on the couch again
for on a cold night spent in "bliss"
I was just an number,
on a list

yeah Idunno what you might think of that, of course, I'm taking a real chance here so be gentle with your criticsms. PS as its artistic, and yet self-expressive, some is real, some is fictional, you must decide which!

last one (a bit of fun)

effects of feminism on man-in-the-house Marigold
the weight of the world
rests on me.
Atlas used his shoulders
balanced with his arms
those long delecate fingers paired with
crude brutal strength

the weight of the world
balances perfectly
on top of my exactingly groomed hair
the Andes dig into my skull
but I smile and
balance on stilettos

the weight of the world
tumbles off its precarious balance
and my only thought,
as my spaghetti-brains
mix with bone shards and face ooze
"Who's gunna carry it now?"
But theres nobody else

the weight of the world
collides into my lino floor
and i dust-bust the mess
while planning my day, fixing my makeup,
placing my spaghetti brains back in
and solving the problems of infinity, absolute zero and perpetual motion.

In stilettos
With perfect hair

:D:D:D anyways yeah, hope you had fun, I thought, as I had't posted in so long, it was my responsability to give you alot to read, but dont forget yesterdays new post!

19 days and counting!

I'm really excited for christmas, usually I don't enjoy it at all, and when I say at all, I mean seriuously, I hated Christmas, but I dont know, somehow this year seems different. It snowed for awhile today, Kelsey said it was supposed to continue on this way untill Friday..... apparently not *sad face* Shanes scarf is almost done, which means I can get started on my other projects, somehow 19 days doesn't seem like enough.

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Although all of my readers happen to be people who were in Bye Bye Birdie, I would still like to take a few moments to reflect on what happened during that play. I will list 10 things I really liked as well as ten things I didnt..... (this is the goal anyways)

Ten things I didn't like about Bye Bye Birdie (end on a positive not why don't we?)
1. Tim and Lauras incessant face! (By the end), it wasn't so bad at first, and steadily increased! (if either of you guys is offended by this please come talk to me, we can discuss it in a reasonable manner like two adults:P)
2. The yelling
3. Inexperienced singers/ inattentive singers
4. Inexperienced choral direction
5. Mr. Anderson's set design delay that caused us to be working up untill the last minute (aren't we always?)
6. Not very much dancing :'(
7. MORE YELLING!!!!!
8. My unmanageable breasts (fake character breats in case anyone doesn't know!)
9. Set strike
10. Never having another play with that same group of people!!!!

Things I liked about Bye Bye Birdie
1. Lots of well written choral music (like Ed sullivan!)
2. My BREASTS!!!!!!
3. My wellys
4. Having all of my friends but a few all in the same room at the same time
5. How working hard can make you really appreciate the final product
6. An audiences appreciative laugh
7. THE QUARTET (duets much Brianna? I sense a future!)
8. Mr. Anderson, Linda, Mr. Irving, Mr. Holland, Ms. Fyling, Lisa
9. My "'Do you use the touch system?' 'Whenever possible!'" line!
10. working with these grade 12s, some for the last time, you have made this year memorable to say the least!
11. The parties!!!!

Thank you very much to every one who was involved and also to those who came to see the production, it makes the work worthwhile when you stand on the apron of the stage and hold your hands up with a big smile on your face, the lights blinding the audiences face from your vision, while you take your final bow of the night and feel the sweat running down your back, the makeup cloggs your pores and your feet are killing you from the 4 inch stillettos your character wears all night long. you can't wait to do it again the next day for that feeling. Indescribable, though I try!

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I read somewhere that Dec 6th is International Best Friends day, which I take to mean All Friends day. I would like to pay tribute to my amazing friends. As you all know, this fall and early winter has been a really tough time for me: academically, socially, and with all of the stress that comes with being as busy as I am. You have all been so understanding, and amazing to me, I don't know how you do it, seriously! Some people that deserve special mention are Brianna and Laura (not to leave out alleah! I love you too hun). I have gotten to know these two fine young ladies so much better over the past six months, and I feel that my life may have taken several different turns if it wasn't for the support, encouragement and FUN that they provide!!! Other people who I have gotten much closer to in the past little while include Megan R., surprisingly, Shane, Geoff and most recently, I have been getting to know Brad better (Also, I have gotten to know Tim, kicking and screaming all the way:P). Unfortunatly there are some really good friends that I have missed very much recently such as Nicole, Kelsey, Barbara, Dan and Connor. I love everyone that impacts my life as profoundly as all of those I call my friends! Thanks guys :)

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Is it wrong that I am as jeleous of other people ariound Dan as I am? its not just Jen, (though that tends to drive me bonkers) but if anyone gets close to him, it hurts me. I guess because I'm so insecure in our relationship as it is, anyone else that is there just seems like a wedge, driving us further apart than we already are. If anyone has anyt suggestions for that relationship, I could sure use it, cuz whether I give him time on my own, or I make subtle moves or I am blatanly asking for a fraction of his time, he says I'm still really important to him, and he doesn't want to lose me, but it somehow doesn't seem like it much of the time :'( I miss hanging out with him. Hes good to talk to, even though he doesn't usually have alot of advice, he still listens well....

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While I'm getting out some of these poisons, I'm really jeleous of Spencer. Its not fair that Kelsey and I are so apart. Shes my best friend and I don't think I've dealt with her loss very well, (I mean Geoff was her replacement, come on, what kind of decision was that?) I just hope that shes okay... actually no, I hope she misses me as much as I miss her, and that Spencer has her under a spell but otherwise she would rather be hanging out with me than anywhere else!

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*sigh* now I feel better. Hey, oddly enough, I've kinna developed a bit of a crush on Brad... *curious* I don't really know him at all, and am not EXTRAORDINARILY attracted to him (I mean hes attractive, but not really my type) but somehow he has this je ne sais quoi (atraocious spelling) :P) that makes me wonder what hes be like. (In a relationship, not neccissarily in bed:P) OMG, k, I hope he doesn't read my blog, that would be disastrous..... I'm not even kidding, he seems like the kind of guy who can scare off easily! eep, maybe I should delete that part..... No he prolly doesn't read it..... (if you do, just let me know that you read it, and don't be weird about it) Even so he seems like a nice guy, who if he weren't so shy/quiet, I could get to know very well, and have a good friendship with.

Anyways, thanks for reading, hope for snow, and Comment profusely! Happy Friendship day!