I rediscovered a couple of songs that I really like, and had forgotten about:
3 libras - APC
Painted on my heart - the cure
Higher ground - RHCP
Heres to the night - eve 6
Brain stew - Green Day
Coma White - Manson

Hey will someone re-add me to the failures blog?


don't let me let you go...

Nana-i-m-o

SO I left sunday after work to go up to nanaimo. I had a couple things to do, one of the most exciting things was that I got to go up to malaspina for an info session on the program I want to take next year. I am getting so excited about it! ANyways, I am getting ahead of myself. I met my friends amanda and eric downtown and we walked over to the bus stop, where I waited so long for everyone to get on and off the bus. I was sitting with someone I didnt know which is always a bit awkward, but I just turned up my music and knitted like crazy. and when they got off in mill bay I got to put my feet up untill duncan when someone else got on and sat in that seat :( but yeah the drive up seemed shorter then normal, so that was good, and then my dad and sister picked me up at the bus station. I hung out with my sister for several hours, and laughed a lot. we got so tired though!!!! Woke up early the next morning and got ready to go out for lunch with my mom. she called and said she was not available though so I knitted for awhile, then called martha, we went to starbucks for awhile and then went over to the mall. Got to see Jenn and ashley and some other mall friends. Ran into stef and Kevin. (ashley's moving to alberta!!! BOOOOO!!!!!) Kevin, utter wonder that he is, drove me to Country club mall, where I caught a bus to go downtown and meet a friend for coffee. Very nice to see again. I am hoping he, and a couple of other people can come down to victoria on the tenth, cuz I'm having a couple of people over, and shanes coming from vancouver. We went over to see his new house which is awesome. I love living on my own. A bunch of other people came knocking on the door with poutine so we all hung out for a little while and then my mom had to pick me up to take me up to malaspina. I am wanting to take the bachelor of music program up there and then transfer to UVIC to get a major in music education. I am so excited!!!! my mum and I went to the modern cafe after for a martini and some dinner, and then she drove me to stef and ashley k's house where we watched them pack and hung out with ashley b and jenn P. (lol I know way too many people with the same names!!! Jenn and ash drove me back to My house in lantzville, and my dad drove me to country club this morning to meet jenn brown so we could hang out for a bit and drive down to Victoria, because she was going to see her grandparents, and I had to get home!!! I did my taxes this afternoon. It makes me sad to see how much money I made in 2006, and how little I have to show for it. but I get about a hundred and fifty bucks back that I overpaid on my taxes, so thats better then a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, and at the beginning of april I get a GST cheque too. Its neccissary, I am so broke right now. I still have to give shane $400 for coachella, and then save up the spending money I'll need when I get down there. I figure If I'm super cheap with my money, I should be able to do it..... mmmmmm cheap lentil soup. with not-quite-rotten carrots!!!! yay!!!

SO I found out that the arts alive show is "a funny thing happened on the way to the forum". I can't remember off the top of my head what that is about. Or how much dancing is in it..... I want to choreograph something fun!!!! maybe this will be... I hope so!

In a phrase to cut these lips...

You run along the uneven pavement, beside the huge waves crashing into the wall. Your footfalls are heavy, your breath uneven. how the hell did it get this far? you used to run lots and now you can barely make it a couple of blocks. Emily croons in your ear, to take your childhood friends on a tour of the bedroom, and something about a dirty mind. Fuck dirty mind, your legs are geting covered in mud. when you left your house, just down the road, you imagined running every day, in cool sunshine.... But thats not how it is; drizzling most of the day, the sky rumbles ominously. School? You can barely make it past the couple of classes now, how are you going to back to school full time? face it, you lose. You aren't meant to be one of the ones that succeed. You keep on going home, and coming back, and now you are torn between two cities, neither of which feel like home. tearing a deep breath from your broken lungs you gather your wits and start running again. The dangerous sky makes good on its threat and the whole world is drenched. your hair is plastered to your face and you can't help thinking. Looking on the brightside when there is no bright side. You want to be desired as you desire, as you see others. desired and coveted. The worm have squirmed out of their homes and have gone into your path. damnit, you hate to hurt them. But they're in your fucking way! Lord lord mother we are all losing love, lord listen lover we are all missing mamma. You feel the rain screaming into your face and you dont know if its just water or if some salt from the sea or salt from the most important window is joining it. you're lost it is too late youloseihateyoufuckyoudiegotohell. Gasping, your thoughts racing around your head you want to hurt something. You run harder, enjoying the knife in your lungs, and all the sand in your knees, making that grinding when you move. just untill the bench, keep on running, when you get there you can stop, 20 more feet, almost there, thats enough. The rain is still pouring down, the worms are still trying to find somewhere to live, but your mind is calm. Finally. You breathe and feel your lungs protest, but know that its good. it is good. Gave them our reactions our explosions of all that we are, for graphs of passion and charts of stars. How ending starts. endings start with answers.


ANywho. Crazy to think we're coming up on the end of february hey? I can't even believe it it seems like two weeks ago we were opening christmas presents, and that was a sixth of the year away now! Time travels sooooo fast. I'm going to go to eat some protein enriched cream of wheat. its the best breakfast!

I love my job some days!!! some days people are stupid, but I love all my customers other days. You know what I really like? DAYS OFF!!!! I plan to read, and drink tea a lot.

Melissas b-day last night, that was fun, went out to darcy's pub and to evolution, much fun and I got home at a reasonable hour!!!!

Michelle and janelle came down to victoria yeaterday, got to see them and beth on my half hour break. Its always good to see people that are familiar and nice, you know?

Prolly going back to the hometown for the beginning of june, leaves me soem time to get settled and that before moving on. and I'm not moving back hopme, whatever I do. If I say later that I am, unless I hhave a really gooooooood plan, make me stop!!!!

Going back next monday (get to see jenn brown! yay!) to have an info session for mal music program. I'm starting to get nervy!

anywho gotta get this pseudo-weekend started right now!!!! with some light reading! lol I've got three books on the go, I want to be done them all be the end of tuesday. and a movie. Lol, I reanted alll of the first season of Criminal Minds, and watched them all in such short time!!!! hahaha, I just got addicted!!!!!!

now, just because I'm sitting here eating mint chocolate chip ice cream out of the tub, doesn't mean I hate valentines day. I like the excuse for presents or chocolates or flowers or cards. I like sappy movies like ever after and notting hill. I just don't like being reminded a) that I'm single, and on this day its a bad thing. Don't get me wrong, I dont mind being single, especially when I see what some of my friends just went though with their (CRAZY) boyfriends. and b) what a huge fuck-up I am, wrecking the last chance I had with the boy I really loved.

Mmmmmm I like ice cream. hah. Moving on. Moving on my ass. Only partially, however hard I try. I want chocolate and wallowing movies.

I came up to visit in nanaimo, not realizin exactly the kind of mess I was getting myself into.

I saw i am sam this morning, It was so good, I cried so hard.


I want to do a ten things about people again.

1. Youre too messy. You fuck with my brain, and I always end up cleaning up after you. But I do love you! You need to stop offereing me stuff that makes me get the munchies. Its not good for my poor belly.
2. I am glad I'm your good luck driving charm. You are so genuinely good, it drives me mad. I love that youre on my side sometimes. I belive in you so hard
3. Youre so silly, soemtimes I wonder how much of that is an act, and how much of it is just you.
4. Surpisingly, and trust me, I am surprised, You are one of the friends who, In my life has really been there the most. Not about emotional things, because you know how you are, but I really do trust you. Thanks for being there. I'\ll keep calling, because I know you need me too.
5. You're so creamy and fresh with surprisingly solid parts. satisfying, but you leave me wanting more (hahaha that sounds dirty but I promise, its not)
6. I'm so glad youre coming with us. we are so scandalous. it amuses me.
7. I hate you. how could you say those things?!?!?! We really loved you, all of you, and still you make us seem like jerks. you know you had some really good times with us, and I am blown away that you can live with yourself, you liar.
8. I'm kinda glad you're not coming with us. I don't know how I could have handled that. I hope that today is as tough for you as it is for me.
9. I miss you, your silly comments, sometimes too blunt and sometimes wholly neccisary, I can always rely on you to tell me the truth.
10.I'm coming to visit you, oh beautiful state of palm trees and smog!!!!!! you are too hot, too loud and too mean, but I can't wait to see you again! 72 days and counting!!!

Stolen from Martha who stole it from someone else

61 Odd Questions. (give or take)
1.) Do you talk in your sleep? sometimes. I dont always know about it though, so I dont know how often I do it.
2.) Red Jello or Blue Jello? blue unless theres vodka. Then red is ok
3.) Whats the song thats getting on your nerves right now? "return to sender" it gets stuck in my head like nobodies business
4.) Favorite Food Group: Pineapple
5.) What's your favorite color(s)? Pineappl... sorry, Um..... purple today? it changes.
6.) Window seat or aisle seat? Window
7.) Ever met anyone famous? Metric, Alexisonfire, some pretty famous dancer people... I can't remember, I'm sure I have.
8.) Do you feel that you've had a truly successful life? Not yet, But I'm working on it
9.) Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? twirl!
10.) Who do you like - Ricky Lake or Oprah Winfrey? Neither
11.) Basketball or Football? Meh, I am bored by both unless theres some reason for me to be interested. Like Darren playing football!
12.) How long do your showers last? Long time. Like half an hour sometimes
15.) Are you self-conscious? more then I want to be
16.) Have you ever given money to a bum? Yeah, all the time
18). Where do you wish you were? I'm going to california, gunna live the life, sippin on tequila night after night :P
19. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? I think so
20.) Can you tango? Probably
21.) Last gift you received? Kyle brought candy and the incredibles over to my house the other day. The incredibles was a loan, but he was sweet to bring candy. He brought chocolate milk too :)
22.) Last sport you played? I run sometimes.... dance sometimes.... Is working a sport?
23.) Things you spend a lot of money on? Oh you know, rent, food, credit card debt, going to california, medicine for when I'm sick... all that fun stuff

*at this point I'd like to ask what the fuck happened to 24 and 25* - Martha

26) Favorite FAST food restaurant? Subway! seriously, its just so expensive. And maybe, a&w
27) What food will you not eat? Meat, or spicy food. or brussels sprouts
28) Can you sing? mmm, depends who you ask....
30) What's your least fav. chore? Dishes. My roomate does them mostly
31. Favorite Drink? Alcoholic? Jello shoooters or por stars. Or blue hawaiians
32) Are you a vegetarian? mhmm
33) Do you believe in Heaven? sometimes. But I belive in plural lives, so maybe after all that
34) Do you miss someone? yes.
35) Have you ever come close to dying? near misses in car accidents count. otherwise no, I'm pretty tame

*WHERE IS 36?! THIS SURVEY IS SCREWY!*

37) Are you eating? Not lately... :P
38) Do you eat the stems of broccoli? mmm yes please
39) Do you wear makeup? when I feel like it, but I'm so lazy
40) Whats your worst fear? Dying alone
41) Would you ever have plastic surgery? not unless it was free, AND reputable.
42) What do you wear to bed? it depends. I have a telletubby suit, for when I feel yucky, but I also sleep in tee-shirt and underoos alot

*Ok, seriously, I got screwed outta the questions!*- poor martha

45) What kind of shoes do you wear usually? work shoes and slippers. I dont go places
46) Do you want kids? yes, definetly. Way later though.
47) Future child's name? Cadence, for a girl, Brody for a boy.

* this makes me sad*

50) Do you snore? Yeah. I'm not a princess sleeper, ok?
51) If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be? ireland.... or venezuela.... or russia.
52) Do you sleep with stuffed animals? Sometimes.
53) If you won the lottery, what would you do? Pay off all debts, buy a house, get a better education, invest the rest, live off the earnings of the investment, which would be more then enough to make me stinking rich and not HAVE to do anything ever. I would produce shows.
54) Gold or silver? Silver. I like Gold dont get me wrong, but silver is more me.
55) Hamburger or hot dog? veggi burger?
56) If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be ? see you all think I'm gunna say pineapple here. But you know how much that would hurt your mouth??? how bout sandwhiches?
57) City, beach, country?beach!
58) What was the last thing you touched? the chair, the floor, the keyboard, the handle to the sink to brush me teeth.... I my my teeth. arrr matey.
59) What did you eat last? chips prolly. We were minorly high last night
60) When was the last time you cried? A long time ago. I am way past that. Its been at least like, a week.
61) Do you read blogs? sometimes

1. Honestly, what color is your underwear? tee hee.....skin colour?
2. Honestly, whats on your mind right now? Man I should be getting to work, I still have to get changes and leave in like ten minutesss....
3. Honestly, what are you doing right now? listening to alex sleep
4. Honestly, what did you do today? woke up, brushed my hair, brushed me teeth. MY TEETH, damnit.
5. Honestly, do you think you are attractive? no. sometimes I can see an aspect of me that looks better then usual, but no.
6. Honestly, have you done something bad today? Its not even nine!!!!
7. Honestly, do you watch disney channel? not as much as I should
8. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now? yup, totally unreasonable, but its there
9. Honestly, what makes you happy most of the time? Music.... pineapples.
10. Honestly, do you bite your nails? nope
11. Honestly, what is your mood right now? Meh, I'm a bit stroppy
12.Honestly, have you had an eating disorder? mmmmm *thinking* not that I recall....
13. Honestly, do you want to see someone this very minute? oui
14. Honestly, do you have a deep dark secret? I dont usually keep secrets, but yes, yes I do
16. Honestly, do you hate someone right now? naw, I just feel sorry for them
17. Honestly, who/what do you want to hug right now? Jenn. I miss her, and shane too.
18. Honestly, are you loyal? To my friends.
19. Honestly, are you in denial? I dont think so
20. Honestly, wouldn't you rather be having sex right now? depends on who it was with. Most likely
21. Honestly, who is your best friend? I dont think I have one
22. Honestly, have you ever consumed alcohol? Oui, c'est magnifique!
23. Honestly, do you like someone? Now thats an interesting question. I have thoughts on a couple of people, its just at different levels. One that I like at the back of my mind, because I push it there, one I just think is cute from work, someone I want to kiss, but not to hold hands with, someone totally off limits, who I think about anyways... but mostly the one at the back tries to push forward, and I try to hold him back
24. Honestly, does anyone like you? I doubt it.
25. Honestly, is it going anywhere with them? well that would be a turn around.
26. Honestly, did you answer all these questions honestly? maybe :P

I just wanted to hold, you in my arms

Today is my saturday. I love having days totally off. and I hella need it it too, with work being as crazy as it is, I think If I didnt have at least one day a week to do absolutly nothing, I might go crazy. I just woke up maybe 20 minutes ago, But kita's still asleep. Her mum came over last night to have dinner, and hang out for a bit. and I have to let you know, I have pretty extensive plans today; watching a movie (Shrek 2), having a bath, maybe watching the virgin suicides, making something to eat... yeah, I have a tough life on the weekends. :P But I do have to get to school tomorrow, that course that i really like has just been sitting there for like, 2 months. Its a music composition and technology course through the distance education program that I'm taking at ILC.

I called some people I hoped might have connor Gnam's number. I just havent heard from him in so long. He did an interview about a year ago, talking about how aweful high school was and how nobody accepted him because he was a dancer, and blah blah blah. It made me so mad because we all did accept him, and liked him, and I know that everybody around us did too. This is the article:

"Making the decision to be a dancer is not an easy one for a guy to make, but for professional dancer Connor Gnam, it's been worth the rough ride.Gnam and his dance company, Ballet Kelowna, will be performing Swan Lake in Penticton next month."It was so bad," said Gnam, shaking his head with a smile.Gnam, who grew up in Nanaimo, found himself transferring high schools seven times before graduating. "It was the exact same cycle every time. I'd start at a new school, make all sorts of new friends, then someone would find out that I was a dancer and one jerk that was jealous, for whatever reason, would start, then all his friends would get in on it and it would get worse and worse. You can only take so much before it really starts hurting."Small communities are like that," he said. "That's why bigger schools like the National (the National Ballet's professional program and boarding school in Toronto) are so good for male dancers because it's such a nurturing environment."Nurturing, yes, but Gnam found it too structured, geared only towards ballet with no jazz, modern or other forms of dance incorporated so, year after year, he'd spend part of his school year at the National, and part of the year at yet another high school in Nanaimo until someone else discovered that he danced."What I didn't understand was, these big guys would go play on a hockey team, they'd have one changing room with all the guys in there naked together and, meanwhile, I'd be in dance class with a 25-to-1 ratio of beautiful half-naked women and I'm the one who is supposedly gay?"You just have to rise above it and remember they're the unlucky ones. I'm the one getting to travel all over the world and getting paid to do what I love, so in the end, I win - Real happiness doesn't come from taking someone else down a peg, it comes from elevating yourself and others."

fuck off, I loved that kid as a person, hes a great dancer, and I thought a great guy. But my sense of people must be really off if he either didnt realize how much we liked him or really thought we treated him that badly.

I went to the website for arts alive to find out what theyre doing this year and I got got sucked in to seussical, but moreso, copacabana pictures. HOly crap that was so long ago. this summer it'll be four years since music man. That just blows my mind!

I'm watching Mr. Hollands Opus. I can't wait to be a teacher. especially of something I love!

Also coachella, and Virgin Music Fest. Looking forward to that like nobody's business. 81 days till coachella!!! thats all my brain thinks about at work. people tell me I'm pleasant, but that's cuz I'm in california...

Free, but for that little string on my finger reminding me of you.

I wish I could..

Sing for Absolution

I will be singing/falling from your grace/sing for absolution/I will be singing/falling from your grace/our wrongs remain unrectified/and our souls won't be exhumed

525,600 minutes, 525,600 moments so dear, 525,600 minutes, how do measure, measure a year?

I wanted freedom/bound and restricted/I tried to give you up/but I'm addicted

mhmmm